So I guess this will be the page where I just ramble on about whatever it is that is on my mind at any given moment in time … wow, this could be lengthy at times, so depending on your attention span, you might want to pull up a chair and grab a glass of wine …
01-29-12 …I’ve gone and done it. I made a plane reservation and am going somewhere for vacation. Yes, I am actually getting on a plane to go somewhere and to do things that are in no way related to my job. I can’t believe what an absolutely wonderful feeling this is. The idea … just the thought of going somewhere else … it’s rather liberating, if I dare say.
I look forward to sitting in a restaurant, drinking a cup of coffee and staring out the window at the water and the boats and the birds. I know that it may not be warm enough to spend much time out of doors, but I want to just sit and watch the ocean for awhile. I want to let the waves carry away all the stress, all the heartache, all the questions … I want to sit and just be.
As great as that sounds, I have no idea if I can actually do it. Sometimes I think of it like being “institutionalized” … you know, when a prisoner gets released from prison and they do something just to get back in because its the life they have know for so long, as miserable as it may be, there is some comfort in the fact that it is what they know. Go watch “The Shawshank Redemption” and you’ll understand. Isn’t it frightening to think of your life in that way? I hate the fact that I do.
But, I have a plan. Well, it’s kind of a plan … um, maybe its more of just a rough outline … okay, its really more like some scribble on a paper napkin, really. But, at least its something to look forward to. It’s the “3 year Plan” … in approximately 3 years everything will change, and in some ways, at that moment, anything will be possible.
That is my light at the end of the tunnel, and unlike most other times, this time I am positive it is not a train.
11-19-11 … It is almost 11:30pm, and I am in the midst of baking my second pumpkin pie of the evening. I have to say that this past week has probably been one of the worst I have had in years. But as with all things, I know that if I just keep moving forward, things will get better. What is that quote from Winston Churchill, if you’re going through hell, keep going … or something like that?
I really wish that I could be happy and festive about the holidays. I haven’t been in years, and I wonder if I ever will be again. I think a lot of things in my life would have to change in order for that to happen … and maybe that wouldn’t been such a bad idea.
The one good thing out of this week, was hanging out with some of my friends in a movie theatre for 9+ hours to watch the Twilight Saga movies, and the premier of Breaking Dawn Part 1. It made for a very long day, but we all had a great time, and it was very nice to be able to experience it with people you know enjoy it as much as you do. It was the one thing that was getting me through the week … my light at the end of the tunnel, I guess you could say.
Well, tomorrow I have much “work” work to do (even though it’s sunday) and maybe I can try and work on some holiday ornaments too, we’ll see. Ciao.
10-28-11 … I have the day off today and although there are numerous things that I “should” be doing, I can’t seem to get myself off the couch and out of my comfy pants and flannel shirt. My motivation is serious lacking and I just have no desire to do much of anything. I have all these grand ideas swirling around in my head, but the energy to do any of them just isn’t there.
As much as I love fall and the change of the seasons, I have come to believe that it is the worst season for me. It is the beginning of a lack of sunlight and increase in clouds … not just in the sky but in my brain as well. From about November - May I constantly feel like I have a brain cloud. “Are you Joe Banks???”
It is also the time of year where all I want to do is sit and watch Meg Ryan movies. (Joe vs the Volcano, When Harry Met Sally, You’ve Got Mail, Sleepless in Seattle). All of these, with the exception of Joe, take place (at some point in the film) in the fall and/or winter, around the holidays. And maybe that is why I have always identified them with this time of year. When Harry Met Sally has always been the movie I tend to watch while wrapping gifts. It takes you through many autumns, christmas & new years eves.
Which leads me to mention that I’ve never been to an “official” new year’s eve party … you know, the kind where you get all dressed up and there is music and dancing (and by dancing I mean actual “dancing” … not just getting out there and bustin’ a move). And I’m not referring to the parties held at someones house with too much drinking and people ending up passed out in the front lawn in the snow … I have been to those, unfortunately. But I’ve always wanted to go to a fancy new year’s eve party. Not exactly sure why, but I guess you could say its one of those things on my bucket list.
So when you have days off of work and you sleep in late, it’s great. But the downfall to sleeping in late is that your day kind of goes down the drain. I woke up at 10:30, and here it is almost 1:30 pm already. But honestly, I needed the sleep. I haven’t been sleeping much lately. A lot on my mind and of course it’s all things that I can’t really do anything about. I’m one of those people that has an incredibly difficult time turning off my brain at night. It’s gotten so bad that I actually got something to take to try and help me sleep, but I have realized that I can really only take it when I don’t have to get up, go to work and function. So, needless to say I took one last night, slept the whole night and didn’t wake up at all until 8am … and then I promptly rolled back over and went back to sleep for a couple more hours. It was much needed rest … but leads into the lack of motivation thing.
Vicious circle isn’t it?